It is now almost the end of March and my pinkie is screwed. No top knuckle has presented itself nor wishes to function properly.
In the palm of my hand, I cannot tell if the fusing material is the lump underneath the knuckle or the actual remnant of the knuckle. I am assuming that's my negatively inclined knuckle.
Asides from the general malformation, the knuckle is bent in and the pinkie has the aforementioned angulation. Whatever, I guess it is simply FUBARed.
I can only get about five degrees (?) of flex from the main knuckle. Quite pathetic really, seeing how my other pinkie gets the average forty-five degree flex mobility.
Thanks again, to the medical staff that treated my broken hand like a runny nose. Indeed, thanks for everything.
In a nutshell, my knuckle has sunk into the palm and doesn't work worth a shit.
55 comments:
I'ts been 8 days for me. My pinkie-joints are still sore but look okay, as does my palm.
"No top knuckle has presented itself nor wishes to function properly."
Boxers fracture lump, not too bad angulation, but sorta large. I couldn't figure out if that was a boxers fracture or if the top of the knuckle got pushed back.
"In the palm of my hand, I cannot tell if the fusing material is the lump underneath the knuckle or the actual remnant of the knuckle. I am assuming that's my negatively inclined knuckle."
Mine's on top, it's right where the knuckle connects or the knuckle itself.
I can touch the palm with some thought about it, doesn't want to go fully straight on its own yet.
I hear a lot of dates like 6-9 months thrown around, maybe 4-6 months for fullest motion, or longer.
typing this, sore.
Yikes. I'm hoping you are planning to go get it checked (or maybe you had). My hand was useless the instant the metacarpal snapped ... puffed up almost instantly.
When it happened to me, my hand looked grotesquely deformed. I almost thought my knuckle went half way up past my hand too, but my pinkie was still the same length. Haha.
The lump on top of my hand has toned down quit a bit, I guess it's situated right near my main pinkie knuckle. It still looks as if my knuckle had moved. I'm hoping the lump's disappearance will bring up the pinkie knuckle even a little bit, but I fear the mechanics of the pinkie knuckle is damaged because the good pinkie knuckle feels nothing like the bad pinkie knuckle.
It took a long time to be able to bend the pinkie tip to touch underneath the main knuckle. I can't really get my pinkie tip to reach much further than the first palm "lifeline". The pinkie simply does not bend properly at the knuckle, for shame.
Oh, I think I'm near the ninth month and that's all she wrote. When I try to manipulate my pinkie into bending more than 5 degrees at the main knuckle, it starts popping, creaking, and some strange pulling sensation within, but the damn thing won't bend any farther. The pinkie joints all work great asides from the main.
I imagine healing time varies for everyone. I suppose mine healed relatively quick, but it's been buggered up since and I really wonder if it will get much better. I'm used to the strange pinkie as I can do most everything with my hands. The one thing is like riding a bike, the handles, and gripping a steering wheel. Feels weird because the pinkie won't fully coil around.
Well, all the best of luck to you. You should make a blog to spread awareness. I know it's hell trying to type with one hand. Haha. Thanks for sharing your story!
Hi,
I can type without pain now, for the most part.
Your description sounds like mine. I suppose the swelling/bump will come down a little more, but yours looks very flat.
Main concern is, as you say, how much motion will return. Even 9 months, I would not give up as it can take years. Here are some stories:
http://www.sherdog.net/forums/f8/boxers-fracture-933875/
I will start to slowly rehab the tendon, but your range of motion seems better than mine or same, even though you call it 5 degrees of motion.
Didn't see a doc, don't plan to unless functionality doesn't come back normally.
I hear you on the coiling part, my finger likes to stick out more straightish while the other fingers grip something.
I read one thread where they said rehab was painful, the docs were rough with moving it, so I dunno, but I will start out gingerly early on, that's for sure. Thanks for sharing your story and pics so others could know.
I was used to typing with both hands on the keyboard as I took typing and computers in school. I was seriously bothered by pecking at the keyboard while my right hand was braced up. Damn, the mouse, or rather trackball, issue was fun (heavy sarcasm). I was really worried about messing around with the pinkie, in case the angulation got worse or things like that. At the same time, I kept wiggling my pinkie inside the brace to keep it mobile. I will never know if I did it all right, or if I did it all wrong.
Speaking of the right hand out of commission, I was also frustrated that I couldn't even write things out nor sign my name. The one good thing was that I 'wipe' with my left, so there was no trouble there. Haha
I don't know, it still looks as if there's a knuckle above my missing knuckle. The fuse bump still looks big to me. I was never an avid milk drinker, so maybe the metacarpal somewhat vaporized when the neck snapped, hence a smaller fuse bump. I can only joke about it now, there's not much else to do. You have to remember, those pictures were later down the road whereas your break is fairly recent.
My main gripe is the limited pinkie knuckle flex. I suppose the knuckle may have also negatively impacted and may have been chewed up. My pinkie straightens out fine, and all joints flex great asides from the main. If I manipulate any other knuckle, I get the usual 45 degree bend, but not so for the pinkie... it's extremely limited. I may take some recent pictures to visualize the limitation. But yeah, the problem is that the pinkie can't fully 'coil' like the rest of the digits. I'm just pissed because a few more months and it will be one year since the incident and I'm ready to throw my pinkie in a vise to get 45 degrees out of that knuckle. I'm kidding, but I only quit smoking in late January and I still get crazy at times. I quit smoking last July and coincidentally, BAM... broke my metacarpal. Haha
You didn't have a doc check it out? I know they don't really do much, but... I dunno. I suppose if you keep the pinkie braced to your ring figure, should be okay like that because a lot of people did that for a home remedy and said all was well. Then again, some had problems and likely needed surgery. As much as I dislike hospitals and the whole deal, I'm sort of uneasy about folks taking a chance. I 'think' Americans have to pay up front for the whole deal, or that's what I'm led to believe. Even if I had to pay, and I was broke, I'd find a way to come up with the dough. Then again, I suppose there's limited warranty from those hospital visits.
For basic rehab after a few weeks or so, I clutched 2L bottles of pop and squeezed a stress ball. I also did motioning exercises when in the tub. Another fellow metacarpal victim told me that twisting thick fabric (like towels) help. I'm not sure what's the best method because I'm just a noob at this. I'm not sure if I guided myself properly, so I don't want to possibly inhibit someone else's repairs.
I thank you kindly for sharing your own story and all that including the link to read up on. I made this blog to primarily ward off others of punching things and to get advice, but oh well. I think it's kind of cool as a lighthouse for hand breakers because I had a lot of negative feelings and depression after my incident. I'm not really into blogging, but I wanted to share my story to let others know that they aren't alone. Like Alcoholics Anonymous, this could be the Boxer's Break Anonymous meeting blog.
Seriously though, I don't remember anyone warning me of the dangers of punching things, not that I do that on a regular basis. I really think that Phys-Ed classes should teach younglings the dangers asides from swollen knuckles or abrasions. I had no idea that the pinkie metacarpal was the weakest link... asides from an obvious reduced mass compared to the other digits. The question remains... would that info have really kept our metacarpals from being snapped on their respective days? Hmmmmm. Tough call, seeing how nobody really plans or wishes for a mental breakdown/outburst.
PH - They call it a boxer's fracture because that's all that can be googled on. ;-)
I didn't actually fracture my metacarpal, more like obliterated the pinkie knuckle. There is another blog somewhere called something like "six knuckles" because the guy's pinkie appears to have two knuckles:
http://grindinghaults.blogspot.com/2005/05/6-knuckle-hand.html
First, I want the bit of knuckle bridge on my knuckle joint that is still there to connect to the rest of the knuckle. It's not too far away from the mound of mash potatoes. ;-p like bridge to nowhere. Otherwise, my tendon and nerve are exposed there, so I could not punch with that again, for sure.
The punch thing is out of my character and no way would I have, if I had thought I would permanently damage any of my body.
I would love to regain the same flexibility of my opposite-hand, to touch all the way down, but that is not particularly all that useful, in any case.
The knuckle top was once big like part of a golf-ball, but now, when I'm not too busy pulling on it and swelling it up more, it actually is starting to look alright.
I'm hoping that part of the knuckle will soon grow back and connect. Non-smoker. I haven't been drinking much milk lately but I usually have a lot of dairy. Been taking my vitamins and of course praying, occasionally icing it. Progress has been daily with bone-growth/reformation/swelling going down.
Fingers-crossed, I guess because so far I'm always like "Well, this is it", but in the morning it improves.
It was never to late to screw up the knuckle, so I say it may never be too late to fix it. Ice it, massage it, whatever, let it know it needs to get back to work, if you think it has stalled on you. ;-)
Yeah, I guess the knuckle sure does take the brute force before the bones give out. It could be that my knuckle may have indeed got ruined with the punch... that would explain all the popping and pulling sensation that I feel when I exercise/manipulate my pinkie.
In your case, I don't know how things are going to settle themselves, but the body's internal system is quite productive. In any case, I suppose it's wise to keep that knuckle vibrating so that the other parts don't fuse all together.
That's good that you don't smoke. I quite just a few days before the punch and started up when I knew my hand was buggered. The doc advised me to quit immediately, but I couldn't because I was just too freaked out about everything. I'm not a diary person, but I always took the vitamins for 'seniors' because I'm also not the best eater. There always is something that I regret, but... same old story.
It sounds like things are more or less okay on your end because I couldn't do diddly squat with my hand until at least a month down the road. Anyways, I hope your knuckle heals up as best as it can. If mine ends up the same as it is tonight, I'm just glad that I can do all the things I've done before.
Thanks for the link. You always find good stuff. Gee, I did the exact same thing once - punching my rear view mirror - cost me a scar that wraps almost half way around my pinkie. Yeah, the right hand of course. The silly ol' days of drinking. Funny that I quit drinking and smoking, but still managed to throw a wild punch. I'm all out of excuses. Haha
The thing is that I have an ultra long fuse. It takes someone to rattle my cage for a long time before I snap. The other thing is that I usually snap when in private with nobody else around.
Fingers crossed, as you say. Let's give the body's healing mechanism the benefit of the doubt as that's all we can do. Something tells me not much is going to change on my punch anniversary. I'm actually more worried about my knees because they went through hell playing soccer and they sound like they're packed with grit when walking up stairs... there's even this snapping I feel through my teeth. Sick.
I have the ultra-long fuse as well. Thanks for the well-wishes. :-)
Hopefully, my finger will straighten out fully one day, and I'll feel comfortable cradling a tennis-racket in my hand - that would be one useful skill down the drain after all these year of other injuruies, I could always still do that.
It would also be nice if the double-knuckle effect ever fully goes away - does that improve over time? Seems like it is improving there slowly, it will be 3 weeks this coming Monday. Lump is going down by the day.
I've messed up ACL and MCL (mainly ACL). That took about 10 months to heal, never saw a doc. PCL, 3 months before jogging but about 1.5 years before 100% (when it suddenly felt like it snapped back into its socket).
I hope you don't have any bone chips or anything like that, I've heard those are painful. If it's just snapping/creaking try to do some activity with your legs once a day just to keep them warmed up until they heal.
The mechanics of the pinkie-finger, it seems may never be the same if the top-knuckle part doesn't grow back.
Not to discourage you (or me), but notice one of your other knuckles when you make a fist with it. Notice the apex of the joint when flat. Now notice the knuckle bone apex actually extends upward from where it originally was when you make that fist. The bad pinkie-knuckle, which doesn't exist much, doesn't come up because there is no knuckle there really to come up with. So the physical missing material seems to have an impact on range of motion.
I don't know why it's so hard to google on knuckles. People say we trust govt. too much, well I'm thinking we trust doctors way more than that even. What happened to this great info age?
Also, I finally got milk (and ice-cream :-)) from the store. My bones seem to grow like mad from milk. Get the regular stuff, with all that growth hormone in it. :-DD
I'm 6'3 and always/still gotten bigger with age because most of the time I was drinking milk or yogurt, a LOT.
BTW, I'm 42 and am currently unemployed computer programmer, so I felt bad for you when you lost your job/could relate.
Did you get another programming job after that? I've been unemployed for quite a while now, myself, it's even hard for me to believe how long.
My knees have likely been shot since I was an outdoorsy kid. I was never was into dairy products. I like ice cream (real milk?), but sometimes it jolts a few teeth. The knees don't pain me all that much, but they just make such a cringing noise when going up stairs. The caps are probably worn down to shite, or out of lube. Haha
I'm not sure about the double-knuckle effect. I have the higher-knuckle effect where my main pinkie knuckle looks as if it went up almost an inch. My actual knuckle is still dropped and likely to stay that way.
Yeah, there is no arc on top of my pinkie knuckle - it's flat. I guess it is shot because there is no apex evident during knuckle movement. It seems like my knuckle is cooked as well and that would explain it's limited bending capability. I suspected as such, sadly.
There really is limited medical information around the web. 'Tis true, we're conditioned to trust doctors way too much. Second opinions have been known to save lives and body parts.
I did manage to get some computer work, but it's just not constant at all. I've been applying for a few months to even really menial jobs, but nothing. I got a few bail-out packages from family, but I'm still close to losing my home and mind. My right hand is good on the computer, but stress is dumbing me down and I get so flustered over simple problems. I'm not a programmer, but more of a simpleton web designer regarding graphics and colors. Any coding other than web pages is alien to me like PHP and so forth. Ah well, seems like all college/university grads are all computer experts now and little jobs are left in that field (especially with the recession). I need a steady job like three months ago. Don't we both. I wish I had more credentials or education. I should have been a doctor or a politician. Haha
PH - I have the raised knuckle effect as well, raised at the same place that yours is, when I hold it flat. When I make a fist, it looks flat, though. No apex; probably like yours.
I did luck out in some regards as when it bends down it does like the other hand, not trying to cross the other finger.
I still believe that the apex was sliced off because for one brief second I saw my hand after the punch before it swole, and part of the apex was where it should be, and the other part was an inch down, and soon after was assimilated/reabsorbed by the body. Took 42 years to grow that apex, so I won't expect it to be back in the morning when I wake up. hehe.
I have a feeling you put off the rehab longer than you needed to. Then again, I still maintain the only thing I broke was that apex, even though I could not push off on my hand for a couple weeks, and the bruise went all the way up close to half of my forearm.
I spend an hour a day rehabing it now, and I am getting it more straight and flexing down by the day, a little bit more.
The link is to my programming blog.
My last job I did Java programming and Perl/CGI. It's closing in on a year now unemployed. I benefitted from unemployment extension passed by congress, but I didn't keep track of how many months were passing by.
I can relate to the frustration, else I don't think I would have punched a wall, totally out of character for me. Sress dumbed me down into inaction.
I am not the web-designer guy, but the back-end programmer guy. Learning Ajax/Javascript when I am not frittering away my life, which has been typical.
Anyhow, I would like to get back in on the action of programming for a living. Maybe we can tackle some web-design/programming gig together. Serious, would be a lot more fun than not, and maybe even get paid some money while we're at it (sometimes its hard to collect from people, or so I've gathered).
Right now, in any case, I need to do some make-work project I came up with, just to use as part of a portfolio. Talk about hard to motivate, seems the money really was a big factor after all. Because employers want to see links/proof, and not because I give a sh*t, of course. haha.
I'm in Los Angeles, BTW - go Ducks!
Keep taking those vites, as you are not a heavy dairy-product consumer that I am, it really helps with the bone-growth. Also, the fats in those products do keep my joints oiled, and without any fats, my joints would creak too! ;-)
Yeah, the more I compare the bad pinkie knuckle with the opposite one, the bad knuckle is definitely fried. That's sort of sad. I'm sure my metacarpal was indeed broken, but the doc shorted me on knuckle evaluation. Screw it, it's the least of my problems right now.
The tip of my bad pinkie tends to dig at the ring finger, but it could be worse. I guess we're lucky in that respect.
I followed the doc's advice about the time in a brace. I doubt any difference would come about either way, since it seems apparent that my knuckle is crippled. I can grasp things better, so I suppose that's good enough to be expected. I try to work out the cracking/snapping sensation, but my pinkie goes sore from trying to bend that mofo down more. I've given up with the damn thing as I'm positive it will vex me worse when I'm older.
Your blog link didn't work.
My work history is quite simple, basically just stupid labor/security/retail/warehouse jobs with no future. I had no credentials. I'm also a manic depressive who refuses to take meds. Oh, I have a bunch of mental issues asides from body degradation.
I was ripped off on a business venture about five years ago and I haven't been the same since. I guess I took it too personal seeing how the investment money was my father's inheritance, left for me to enrich my life and better my future. Let's just say, I've been bouncing in between labor jobs since then and taking sporadic years off to be consumed by the web... living solely off credit. Now, when I'm at the end of my rope with no available credit, the recession deems me a worthless worker of limited skill.
I'm a highly unmotivated person now. No girlfriend for five years. I live alone with my dog and I always worry that I'm too detached or just plain bland for him. I live in a condo which is a whole blog story in itself. This past month, my hair is dramatically thinning in the front. So much for hoping to have a relationship, not that it wasn't hard before due to disgusting acne scarring on my upper body below the neckline. (I slept in a t-shirt during relationships and none of the girls caught on, pure luck). I'm also socially inept which makes job interviews very stressful and I can't fathom to work with more than one person. There are sacrifices that I will have to stomach in order to survive.
I'm not into pity as I'm sort of lucky that I'm alive and physically healthy (I think). This is the sort of back story teaser that leads up to and beyond my screwed up pinkie.
I dabbled in web design five years ago when attempting to make a new skin for a forum which I used to hang out on. From there, I didn't do too much until a year ago when I was contracted to make an online store and distribution store for a pet boutique. Basically, I just modded a template for a Zen-Cart program and Joomla/Virtuemart program. My front page coding worthiness depends on my memory, comes and goes like the wind. I think of myself as a backyard web autobody guy, that's it.
I lost a lot of my patience and concentration. I swore off computer-based work, but it's a viable hobby. Most people have degrees now and my work value is trivial at best. I basically build on top and/or assimilate other's work.
Coincidental, I correspond on a cell phone site with an American who also lives in LA near the valley.
I take the multi-vits for seniors, I figure that'll help with my bachelor way of quick food. I also take fish oil capsules. I suppose I should be taking calcium pills too, or start forcing myself to drink milk. Haha
If the joint just gets stuck when you are moving it, that might go away, I've had that before just because I use to fall asleep on my pinkie a lot, but it would go away after a few months.
The cracking sounds concerning, not sure what is causing that for you. If you ice the joint down to normal size, you can perhaps tell if it is positioned right/the same as the other pinkie.
Your story sounds similar to mine. I was a security guard for 5 years, min wage basically.
5 years w/o a girlfriend, well couple dates here and there, but nobody ultimately. Thinning hair, that is like every month. hehe. I don't think chicks are gonna care about acne scars on your chest.
Lived off credit before, so I know what it's like to be 13k in debt AND working at minimum wage (takes too long to pay it down that way), got two good jobs back to back and paid off the credit-cards.
Do you have art skills or is it just WSIWYG with HTML designer like Frontpage? I like to work closely with others as well, close-knit. I think if we've done it before, we can do it again.
Not sure why you can't see this link, since it is public, maybe if I just paste it:
http://lihnuxguy.wordpress.com/
I'm manic-depressive to some extent yes, but cutting back on coffee for more tea has helped a bit, and age helps a bit (as in slowing down).
I think it helps to talk about the job-search as I have no support group for that, which is probably the biggest problem that I can do something about. I need to keep actively searching, it's amazing how all these months and days have flown by and I can barely account for any of it, such a long time.
The computer industry sucks because people are unbelievably particular and ignorant, but that's life when it comes to a performance profession, I think.
Well, leave your email address somewhere if you ever want to talk sometime about life or whatever. Yours was an interesting story.
It's been a month and the range of motion has slowly returned, but it's still tight, still got the bump, the top of the old knuckle would be nice to have back, etc.
One thing is that while mine may have bent and not fractured (it still feels/looks noticeably different than the other hand), I had a lot more swelling than you did after 5 days or whenever you took those pics. I couldn't even make a fist with any of my fingers for almost 2 weeks, looked like someone had stuck my hand inside a nuclear reactor, it was so swole up.
I guess it's like someone said on one thread, the extent of the break is mostly determined at the moment of impact, and he suggested there ain't much you can do to change in. OTH, I did not have a real break, like I say my bones seemed to bend. The thing that really broke off was the top of the knuckle.
The cracking sound likely corresponds with the main knuckle damage from the impact. The mechanics of the knuckle is now deficient, but at least almost all hand grasping needs are adequate. If I exceed the limitations, I have blunt pain. It's not really pain though, but rather a lingering soreness/ache.
My life story is meager and honestly void of much responsibility. High school turned into a daytime bore that interfered with non-stop partying. I didn't make it through to get a diploma. I worked gas stations and in restaurant kitchens instead of going back to school. I went through many labor jobs and passed up some good ones. I made good bucks driving oil around, but I let that job go and found my way staggering to Wal-Mart where I blew a good six years on a dumb-me-down job that paid for rent, booze, and cigs. I 'moved on' to a few years of security, warehousing, and then computers. I never made good money since my twenties when I was delivering drums of oil. I was into parties, friends, cars, and the women.
Pretty much all my girlfriends asked me out. I never knew what to say to women because of stupid things I used to say in the past. I always had model-esque girlfriends who boosted my confidence. Logically, they were high maintenance party girls who quickly jumped ship when the speed boat was out of gas. On the flip side, I was somewhat of a heartless tool as well. Fast forward to almost five years (most likely longer) ago, had trouble with my last pretty girlfriend and nothing since. I finally quit the booze a few years back, but it didn't help much asides from losing almost all my 'friends'.
I don't have much self-confidence and I'm pretty much a social recluse with mental issues. Haunted by the ex-GF putting me down for a high hairline and a whack of other 'deformities' of growing older. I had a youthful appearance back then, I guess it was never enough for her. Ah well, I'm probably better off on my own.
When I can land a job, I'll refinance onto my mortgage to take on my other credit screw ups. I wanted to sell this dump, but I'm stuck here.
I can't draw worth a damn and my PShop skills are so-so. I never worked with Frontpage or Dreamweaver. I more of a painter, putting a coat of color and design onto drywall. I'm not really the framer, but maybe the taper and mudder (sp).
I was never into coffee nor tea, but get enough caffeine from diet soda. Maybe the aspartame is partially to blame for my memory loss and lack of concentration. Haha. The older I get, the worse I get in a mental and physical state. I presume that's the joy of getting older. I don't think I'll enjoy being an old hermit though. I always worry about having a stroke, or something, and there's nobody around to help me. Yeah, I rarely think/imagine of sexy angels and leprechauns.
Yeah, I know what you mean. I can't believe I'm almost a week late for my mortgage payment. I have bill collectors hounding me everyday. I can't believe it's already May ... WTF happened to January at least? Bah, it's pathetic. I can't stand it, my temples are going bald therefore I can't get my hair to look good for any interview even though I haven't had any call-backs needless to say. I'm falling apart at the seams, but I don't like to talk about it all the time. I'm sort of strange like that. I suppose that's why there're spontaneous gaps in all of my Internet discussions.
People usually expect the universe when creating a website in such a quick fashion. It's especially worse for me because I'm building on top of a program that I don't understand and yet I'm 'responsible' for it's flaws which technically I am even though I don't charge for the program because it's open source. Headaches upon headaches. I'd much rather work with my hands or do that much kewler CGI. There's so much competition in web work, everybody undercuts everyone else. It's also damn hard to make a name for yourself because of demanding clients who blacklist you for not performing up to their unattainable standards. Ain't it grand? Ha.
Cont.
Yeah, I could leave an e-mail behind. I'm actually going to switch over to Gmail or somewhere else asides from MSN and Yahoo because I like neither. I'm not much of a regular chatter though as you can tell. I get anti-social bouts online too. Haha. Maybe I should blog about my life story (boring at best) and see if it helps with anything. I had always thought to try, if anything but to help my memory and concentration.
That's good that you are having a super fast healing time. And, I thought mine was good until I realized that I'm stuck in a recovery rut and may have to face the facts of terminal issues until I'm pushing up daisies. That's too bad because it's going to hurt like hell using a keyboard when I'm at the old folks home. I already accepted my weak knees, but I need my damn hands in good working order to make some money fixing up web sites when I'm retired.
I think I took those pictures within the first days of my incident because I remember the heavy bruising which likely occurred when my broken and spiky metacarpal ripped the heck out of the capillaries and such. It would have been such a sight to behold if at least caught on slow motion x-ray. LOL. I thought my hand ballooned up pretty good, but maybe not. I still think you fractured the metacarpal as your hand issues all match the common. Although your knuckle injury could be a sole injury, the absence of a knuckle with a fusing growth is apparently typical of a Box Frac.
Usually a broken hand comes from punching the hell out of something solid with little give. After all, who simply jabs something when really pissed off? Lack of control over the primordial urge to club someone to death. We're still damn dirty apes. When it comes to fighting one on one, the fight doesn't stop until someone is almost near dead. What ever happened to an apology (fake or not) and a handshake? Or even an arm wrestle (beware of those wrist locking cheaters).
Whatever the case, our simple mortality is quite clear as organisms. Our healing mechanism is amazing, but no absolute miracle. Injuries mostly all heal with side-effects of minor or major. If it wasn't for medical aid, I dare say more than 3/4 of Earth's population would be worm food. In a nut shell, we have to take our 'lumps' and just be glad we're still functioning at average capacity.
Don't mind me, I tend to pass insanity through my fingertips. Haha
Before I forget, I visited your blog and it was mostly gibberish to me as expected. Talk about graphics and templates, I'll catch on ... otherwise no dice. No secondary education on my behalf, remember? I'm just a simple laborer. LOL
I believe in my case it's simple. My bones don't break easily, so the apex of the pinkie knuckle got pushed back and inch, and then tried to blend in, leaving the raised area behind the knuckle.
Bones can become malleable on impact, IMO, almost like liquifaction and continental-drift. Unless you have steel-hard bones, which I don't.
Main reason I am not in a relationship is because not just the no-job, but I'm not sure I want to stay in So. Cal for another summer. I'm thinking of moving to Colorado Springs, but maybe the SF bay area (if it isn't as hot as it is down here). My mom was actually born in Canada, BC. I'm a White-boy that doesn't tan. hehe.
Yeah, women usually have to pursue me initially as well (which is as much as you can expect out of a woman, cause they expect the guy to carry it through after that, in my experience).
That's too bad about the limited movement or crackling. I can't bend mine back like the other one. Looks-wise, yours looks alright, not too bad. I saw an old man once, didn't ask him about his hand but it stuck like 3" up in the air by the pinked and it was as wide as 1/3 of his hand. You want boxer's fracture, that guy must have held the trophy, but it was so obvious that I was too embarassed to ask, just wondered how rough a life it takes to get one of those. Well, now I know. He was a truck-driver, and I was a security-guard, so he had to sign off on the manifest for the load he was dropping off or picking up. I almost asked him about his hand, it was that close.
I'm not really a gadget-person, can barely operate a cell-phone, but have to because everyone just expects it nowdays. But I am the programmer type, so I am sort of a contrast of your style.
I was thinking of offering chess-lessons, but that would simply be something on the side, not something made a living off of.
The browser, web-app market, yes, it's flooded and they want to see example sites one has created. They want a Speedy Gonzalez that can do everything and get paid dirt. I've seen $8/hr offered, and yet some people make six figures. In los Angeles, without a good story behind you, I think it is like the security-guard work of IT.
I'd like to specialize in desktop-apps, a niche. No one does it, and no one specializes there much, less competition.
I read job ads and it makes me frustrated. The want proof of you MS Access DB skills, and Visual Basic, and whatever. They look like fools for asking because it's not even an enterprise quality DB, it's actually a flat-file, your DB. I mean, it's like they don't even know enough to know what they should be doing or something, or which skills would be most helpful to them. All they know is that they want a black-belt in whatever it is that they think they need.
So that could be a skill advertised in Craigslist even, or wherever else, like a search-engine.
The web-stuff, it does get a little complex for something where you aren't even attempting to do jack with. I have programmed a CGI site already, BTW. ;-)
I've 'dropped out' because of the no-job, but even this girl I dated was like that, so it's not unusual.
We need to 'drop back in' and pick up some work to make life interesting again. ;-)
Sorry about the long delay, life is getting on my case. ;p
I've been really working the shite out of my pinkie, so I have more of a movable angle out of that damn knuckle. When I make a fist, my pinkie touches the second lifeline in the palm (or the halfway point). It's been a painful path, but I had to do it before the one year anniversary. The bulk of the knuckle is still submerged into the palm, so I believe there's no knuckle bulge on top to ever come back. The fusing lump is still there, but slightly visible to the unsuspecting eye. I can get the typical 45 degree bend out of the main knuckles as usual, whereas the pinkie is about 35 degrees ... not bad. The angulation is pissing me off to no end with the pinkie tip almost clawing towards the ring finger. Freaking annoying, that is!
You said you got fairly good bend out of your pinkie knuckle? Yeah, I doubt if you snapped a bone, you'd surely have bruising from internal scrapings from impact debris and so forth. The only way to tell if you did fracture or snap it, is to feel underneath for a fusing lump.
The crackling has subsided in the pinkie, but my knees have been almost weak-like. I almost wish the dull pain would gather in the pinkie and not the knees. I think it's because I moved my computer into the basement and the stairs are playing havoc on my knees.
I 'think' the old man - whom you mentioned - has an ligament aging disorder. I remember seeing an article about it and how it ungodly distorts fingers. I could be wrong, like usual.
Ah well, at least we are over 99% functional. I keep thinking of disabled people and burn victims to keep me grounded and empathic to others to negate any self-pity.
I've given up on the relationship jazz, mostly because I have lived alone for too long and I don't think I can give up my privacy. I love it, I can listen to the same song for 20 times if I want. I can talk in bizarre languages to the dog. I can savagely burp for once. Best of all, I never have to impress anyone day to night from inside my humble home. I get lonely, but I deal with it. I'm accustomed to being a hermit, so the lack of love doesn't phase me. The main problem with being an outcast is a slight sociopathic feeling and extreme underlying negativity when faced with social settings. Ah well, being a bachelor is perfectly normal seeing how search engines gather endless porn.
The only woman I had interested was the drunk single mom across the way, but she's far too butch for me. She looks fairly weathered too. I never dated women over 30, so cougars are scary to me. When I was 30, I dated mid 20s women and that's all I can remember and vaguely relate to. I've been single for close to a decade. Haha
I thought I was moving too, but that was before the recession was even seen on the horizon. I wanted to start anew somewhere, but I didn't want to be out of a job living in some rural hick town. Heh, not much different now in the metro city ... just broker than before.
I'm not into gadgets either. I was dismayed when my 'old school' cell went tits up when the hinge decided to break. I had bought a KRZR quite some time ago, and I have little knowledge to the vast options. I prefer tinkering with actual things other than virtual. I find computer stuff to be overwhelming at times. I'm just a simple guy who's never found his calling.
I love BC. I was born in the prairies and will likely perish here. I used to enjoy traveling in my youth, but I guess I just don't give a hoot about much these days. I dislike the heat as much as I dislike the cold. I think my acclimatization program has a virus in it. Ha. My friend in LA says the summers are sweltering and near unbearable ... an AC is an absolute must. Up here, it's not so bad, but the winters are crazy cold.
I have Vista and the desk top app. is quite neat ... the info bar. I really like that. You can make websites come to life and I can make a funny P-shop picture or turn a '95 Cavalier into a '03 by changing exterior parts. Computing isn't my forte, that's for sure.
I'm currently fixing my sister's boyfriend's virus-laden computer and I guess he's also looking for a simple site. I can handle this sort of thing part time, but I need even a full time job pumping gas before I end up in the street.
I went to welfare and I couldn't got $600 a month, but I didn't go back for some odd reason. I don't want to go that route. I have to change my dismal way of thinking. I've already began to tune out the piling bills and I'm almost ready to give up my home. But, I can't let that happen. If I give up, I'm the coward that I always think of myself. I think I need a job to have something in life worth waking up for. I'm sliding into poverty and I'm going for the ride into the shite. I have to try harder, way harder. I already got a caveat on my condo from not paying condo fees since Nov. Thankfully, nobody has killed my utilities. Haha.
Let's give 'er and see what we can do. If all else fails, at least we can get back into security. We'd be the typical balding security guys with a little extra flab around the waistline. Blah.
It would be nice to make some money from a decent job and take a nice woman out to a movie, but all I wish for this year is for quick employment. Let's do 'drop back in' on life and try to make a go at it. Worst case scenario, we can panhandle for money to use at the Internet cafe to share stories here about our homeless clans. ;p
Didn't mean to take so long, getting back to you.
I don't have a lump on the bottom of my hand, but the top of my knuckle a lump sticks up. It may be that the original bone over the knuckle got pushed back ontop of the metacarpal somewhat.
Doesn't look _too_ bad, but the knuckle top still looks missing (probably relocated down south). I can make a fist fine, but can't bend that finger back much on it's own, as the tendon strains to go over that lump as it goes backwards.
I'm 42, so the one woman (same age) I just started dating pays half. She has the job. A lot of guys are unemployed women say, so they aren't as hard about it lately (hardly bring it up).
Take whatever the govt. will give you, less stress you put on yourself. Sure, the downside is it will probably make you more lazy but who cares, really. hehe.
I am basically a hermit too, except for online chat and daily talking to roommate, relative, etc.
I should be a chess-coach, since that is work I like to do anyway. My other ideas such as programming consulting will still probably seem like work, which isn't bad, but when you see something as work, it takes a little of the novelty away as well.
I need to drop back in on work, I know, so maybe I will.
No problem, this is the casual and non-stress coffee shop. I don't think we need any more pressure than we are under in real time.
Sounds like you mashed your knuckle bits then. I have a pronounced lump underneath my knuckle (I guess it's actually my knuckle) and a lump underneath the fuse. Mine is the opposite, I can straighten my pinkie fine, but can't coil it all that much. If you look at the lighter side on your end, there're very rare times a person needs their fingers out straight ... a natural bend is great for keyboards and mice. :)
Great new on your relationship! That's also great that she's the type that doesn't expect to be pampered with money. Most of my old girlfriends didn't use me for money, we more or less spend our own money. I've been lucky that way, or maybe that's why some of the girlfriends dropped out of the scene. I'm hardly ready for any type of relationship, but if something comes my way and the woman is fairly decent ... I might check into it. Haha
I went to welfare, but I didn't do their criteria of applying for three jobs they assigned to me. I was kind of pissed off because I told them I'm more for little outfits, but yet I got these postings for huge warehouses and the like. I know beggars can't be choosers, and I haven't found anything else. I can't help to feel ashamed, but it seems that I'm stupid if I don't and it could be the forced motivation that I need. I'm going to apply at a fast oil change place, they're advertising $16/hr and that's pretty good money for what little knowledge I have. I hope that works out. It's really pathetic that my poor mom did a recent bail-out to bide me some more time. Truly pathetic.
I call my folks the odd time, but I never know what to say. I'm more of a listener by nature. I'm socially challenged and a loner by design. I never really had a large friend circle nor really wanted one that would take away my independence.
I am going to be outfitting a website for my sister's boyfriend's resto shop. I made $300 by repairing and upgrading his computer, so I don't think the website will cost him much.
----
I whipped up another website for another guy, but he stopped calling, so I can't be bothered to chase after him for a low cost site.
This was his original hunk of junk:
http://decadesautobody.com/
This was going to be his cloned Joomla site:
http://decadesautobody.freehostia.com/
Ah well, junk template now.
---
Chess coach sounds interesting, or even a consultant. I wish I had something to teach, but I don't know enough to be able to. Haha. Yeah, I've been thinking that I would like to find work that will empower me with some kind of new skill, but damned if I know what it could be. I think life will be better when a good eight hours is put into another project than wasting away at home. I really have to kick my own ass to find whatever I can. It can be temporary work or just a crap job. Idle hands make a crazy mind. Definitely time to drop back into work and grab a slice of life before I end up in an asylum. :)
Thanks, I like the coffeeshop analogy, but I can respond quicker, according to the situation.
PH, you are right, I got my knucklebits mashed for sure. Here is the photo I like best, though:
http://www.eatonhand.com/hw/hw005.htm
See the light gray outline where the contour suddenly does that 45 degree slant instead of the normal 90 degree angle, and then the metacarpal is also raised up for a slight while after that(?) that is somewhat telling of what it looks like from that side-view, just not as pronounced as that slant on the knuckle but very similar (in case anyone else is still following this as well). Yours broke (not just bent on top like mine) so that would explain your knuckle dropping into your palm, as per the diagram.
The relationship thing is actually easier than you probably realize as she is my age and just as independent. A woman in her 30's may still have illusions of becoming a movie-star or high-paid blah and blah.
PHP is pretty hot right now, and you could do that from home. Maybe make a website, says you know Joomla and Photoshop and ask for rates.
I want to do Java myself, but PHP is the biggest up-and-comer everywhere it seems, not just here in CA. One guy asked me if I wanted to do a 2 week project or something like that so I declined (I just know the fundamentals of PHP, but haven't ever really put that knowledge to use). It's the perfect language for a free-lancer like you, especially considering you can also handle graphics design.
If you ever need help with the coding, I could probably help you there, although I don't know Joomla.
You could also put a short resume on job boards, so that recruiters can find them (so you don't have to waste your time looking possibly in vain). When they contact you, point them to a website, even the one the guy didn't want, who cares, you did it. Better yet, include that one as a link from your main site.
See if you can't get work that way through some of those consulting/project type of companies.
I think you might be surprised at your results. The throng of masses want that quick type of site that you can produce. My skill is better suited to writing internal apps, but technically I can do both. I can add Javascript and Ajax and a little bit of CSS even (but am a total neophyte at CSS).
I'd like to write desktop apps in Java, niche market, they find me I don't find them sort of deal. Funny how that's also your best bet, them finding you. But you can see on Craigslist the popularity of PHP in the USA alone right now.
Your in Canada, so I don't know if you need money for elective surgery, but I think someday you should get your pinkie-knuckle re-set right. I'm sure it would not be easy to get to, but you also broke it and it healed so there is probably a fault-line filled in with calcium.
I've had a stress fracture before in my foot. I got it before I joined the Army, and you know how much I jogged there, a lot. The stress fracture didn't finish healing completely until sometime after my 3 year enlistment had ended, perhaps a couple years after that.
Mine is actually alright, but it was a bummer when my mom freaked when I showed it to her the other day - she wanted me to get it checked out. Functionally, I am okay now, it can straighten out and bend backward a ways. It has still been slowly improving by the day.
Yeah, I want to get my life back on a normal track as well. Start consulting, but succeed and be confident because anything is better than just sitting around, unless I make some mistake and get sued for all I'm worth, I guess. ;p
Yeah, it's a fine time to get back into the game, methinks; it's been a year.
My very first visit to an Internet forum was my 'coffee shop' or 'home away from home'. Being that I'm not the quickest responder, I sure don't have any qualms about responses taking time to arrive. I'm way more social online than in real time. Haha
I suspect my knuckle bits may have been shifted as well, along with the carpo break. I don't have the apex anymore, but then again, I can straighten my pinkie while I can't coil it down as before. I guess we paid our dues for that bout of hot head syndrome. Needless to say, there're times when I'm still tempted to throttle something. My neighbors on the flip side of my condo are literal cunts. Feral Natives, just can't respectively coexist outside of the reservations. I'm not racist as I'm of mixed races like most of us, but I'm pissed off. I bought my unit and I find it unfair that these Natives rent one and practically ruin the complex by being assholes/bitches. Ah well, enough of that.
I think I know what you mean with women of our age. I'm sort of wary about them because they seem very set in their ways and all they want to do is drink, or maybe I'm thinking they're all like the neighborhood drunk neighbor. I always feel too young, or mostly out of place around women of our age. I'm like this video game, computer junkie nerd while the women seem worldly and political in nature. The way I see it, the more my frontal hairline disappears, I'll have virtually no chance with women in their 30s. I'm not even sure what I'm looking for in a woman. I don't think it's good if they have children because I can't really relate to anyone under 30. There're are just to many logistics to sort through and it's my fault I look too far into things without just leaping in to see where things go. Maybe I'll have to go for this one Argentinian woman that was after me once. The only problem is that she lives in Argentina and I sure don't want to live there, and I sure can't afford to bring her here along with her kid.
I'm not sure about delving too far into website making. Clients seem to ask for the universe and I'm restricted seeing how I don't know squat about PHP which Joomla is basically comprised of. There're lots of designers offering mildly custom tailored websites for under $100. Seems a lot of designers do it as a part time gig to supplement their full time jobs.
I have to start on one for my sister's boyfriend's resto shop, so I'm going to try and scratch build a template ... if I fail, I'll know I'm just a website hairdressing loser. I would like to learn more into all coding aspects, but my patience and interest always fade. Joomla pretty much has it all for inclusive website features. You should set it up on some free webspace and pick it apart, to see how the PHP is formulated into the Joomla code. It's open source.
Thanks for the offer of coding help though. It's all alien code to me. Java is from Mars and PHP is from Venus. Haha!
Maybe it appears that I don't give myself enough credit, but I've went through some code and I don't know what it all means. Java looks rough and dirty, much unrefined than PHP. Or, that comparison could be totally opposite. What I do know is that I know nothing about it.
I actually thought about those job boards where you list your resume. I sort of feel uneasy about having my details online because of all the 'cloning' data theft. I don't really like my name to come up on any web search. I know it's sort of ironic because most of my existence is online based. I just don't want nosy bosses trying to get the goods on me, or anyone else for that matter. I've never wronged nobody, but there're people of my past that are best left in my past. I still have a dusty Face Book page, but I'm chicken to delete because some people may take offense ... not that a dead line of communication isn't offensive, but it's one of those things.
I'm going to apply at yet another fast oil change place tomorrow. Supposedly, they pay $16.50 per hr and I can certainly live with that. Right now, I just need to pay bills and not worry about golden jobs on my resume. I'll never become a CEO, doctor, or anything of essence anyways.
Good to hear your finger is getting better. Yeah, it always looks worse to others because they're not used to seeing it. I'm not sure, but I believe I'd have to pay for elective surgery for my hand. It's actually of the lowest priority now as I've been hard on it and I'm getting near 40 degrees bend out of what's left of the knuckle. Most days, I don't even notice my pinkie asides from it asides from the tip wanting to dig into the ring finger when gripping the car steering wheel and etc.
I've been noticing blood every time I brush my teeth. I'm quite sure the health of my mouth is at an all time low. I could go back to the softest toothbrush, but those never clean that well. I'm sick of salt water rinsing and I sure don't want to have my gumline recede even more. I'm way overdue on professional plaque removal and my gumline is paying the dreadful price.
I can't believe it's almost the end of another month and I'm still unemployed. Ridiculous. I have to get on the ball and fight for it because I can't declare bankruptcy and throw away any equity profit. I get depressed and unmotivated, it's a stupid cycle that I have to break ASAP. Borrowing money off the family is retarded and it makes me even more depressed.
Wish me luck and the same goes out to you. Just get a crap job to pay bills and have some living expense. We'll be more confident when applying for better jobs down the line. We have to do it, it's expensive to live each day. :-(
Guys, guys! I am right now trying to recover from a pinky boxer's fracture too, also one from punching my car dash in anger, but the bigger issue here is your lives!
Some advice in no particular order:
1. Get the finger as good as can be within your means and then LET IT GO. You want proof a person can lead an incredibly good and successful life with a misaligned pinky? Take a blast off this gallery of a famous pinky
2. PhoningHome, I went from giving Bleeding Gums Murphy a run for his money to having pink never-bleeding gums within a month or two and have kept it that way for 3 years now. Here's the way, and you have to get RELIGIOUS about it. Brush every night without fail, and bring a toothbrush/paste to restaurants if you can. I got a SonicCare and it rocks. Floss every night, THE RIGHT WAY (don't "saw", but bring the floss down under the gumline and then pop it back out and then flick the debris off the line and advance the floss section as needed. You have to do two downstrokes per tooth, one on each side. You'll bleed like a stuck pig for the first week or so, and then gradually NEVER. And then it feels nice and stimulating. Then rinse with a basic plaque-preventing mouthwash. I have missed flossing once in 3 years now and my gums look great. A little recession from before I can live with but I had to arrest it. Also, get thee to a good dentist and DO NOT go to a cheaper "clinic" style dentistry place!!! Just a good ol' family dentist.
3) Yes, get a source of income asap, anything at all for now. The key is to stop the bleeding. Get your bills paid and get caught up.
4) If your hair is receding, well, OK. Me too, lots of guys. You just have to suck that up. A non-shallow woman very often doesn't let that stop her from being with a man, and some women like the look. Same for some ancient acne scars. Don't fixate on this stuff you can't control, and likely a good gal won't either.
5) Your life is to a large degree what you make it. Not 100%, sure, but quite a bit. It happens in a slow series of accumulated steps. You both seem to be verbal and thoughtful men, and the world NEEDS you. Get out there and help us out! This place is a mess, and we can use your services! Along the way, maybe you will meet some friends, a partner, etc. Stop beating yourself up, start small, think long term, save money, slowly get in shape (I recommend jogging, starting very light at first and slowly building up to a 3 mi run 4x/week.
6) Try to eat well! It can be expensive, though. Rice, fresh vegetables, dried beans, veggie burgers, walnuts, water to drink. It is worth it in the long run, I suspect.
Good wishes to you both!
PH, I've been putting my girlfriend off, but saw a play together last Friday. She is on the plus size but has a nice, interesting personality.
I am receiving unemployment so I can't say I'm in your same situation, but I do want to find a job, it's time.
BUT, I want to find something still meaningful, which is why I want to get back to programming, but am still much more motivated when I have a job, an actual cause.
It doesn't sound like you have much to lose for dating one of these women you meet. I meant my current gf on plentyoffish.
Our metacarpals may not be the same as they were, but I've got to think there is somehow some more bone mass there, if the occasion should ever bear itself for use. Next time it won't bend, it's "pre-bent". :-p I baby it though now, yeah.
You could figure out all the coding stuff if you really wanted, just need the motivation. I already know a lot and am not motivated, that is my problem.
I don't know if I will check out Joomla or not, I probably should. I've been meaning to do some Java work for myself, but that is mainly to pick up the desktop app skill or really to just apply what I already know. I just need to kick myself in the @ss and get going.
I am committed to it and haven't even started it yet, crazy, I am nuts. But I will do something just to prove that I can get something done.
I hope you get a mechanic type job right quick like you seem eager to do, to get some steady income underneath your feet. I am pulling for you, and for you to keep your place. It's easy just to give things up rather than to make a stand, I do know that.
I should get on that right now, m y project, plus some job-search, get back at it.
@Anonymous; Sorry to hear about your fit of rage, but crap happens ... obviously. Thank you for the visit and thoughts. They're much appreciated.
I had no idea that Denzel Washington has a gimped pinkie. He has quite the comfy life though, and could have opted for fixing it at any time. I don't know why he didn't. Apparently, Denzel dislocated his pinkie playing basketball and didn't bother to get it adjusted. I'm not really fretting over mine, anger management repercussions can't be pitied to much extent. Regret, yes. Pity, not so much.
Good advice about the teeth. I actually bought some more mouthwash the other day. I know I have to floss more, but the main issue is tartar build-up that keeps my gumline high. I need a good teeth scaling before my gums decide to throw in the towel and my teeth decide to fall out.
My hairline had decided to thin out above my already high widow's peak. I've had to deal with a high hairline and greying since my twenties, but having my hair thin out even more behind my bangs is proving very difficult to style with. Ah well, a hat fixes all except for more formal instances like interviews and such. Not having a relationship for a decade and starting to lose lots of hair, doesn't build up much self-confidence in a manic depressive. No real biggie, I know that past forty is past prime. The acne scars were a big drag for cutting out beach and swimming activities out of extreme shyness. Imagine sleeping with your girlfriend of five years with a night shirt on and not being able to discuss the matter. The guilt was overwhelming. The acne lumps have gone down somewhat, but it's far too late to even care. I know these are shallow issues when I'm lucky to have an otherwise decent appearance with a working body. :)
As far as financing, I had quit about two decades of smoking already. I rarely have social drinks because I'm not very social. I'll admit that I'm not very health conscientious when it comes to meager groceries. As per budget, I go cheap and bare bones such as pasta. I'm an introvert, so I'm uncomfortable out in public. I do try and walk the dog often for mainly his health. I don't have a game system or TV. My computer and Internet are my sole source of entertainment. I have to put together an exercise machine and try to jog more like I did ten years ago. Rice and vegetables are doable, I should eat better ... probably help with my mental health as well.
So, there you have it. I'm an oddball whom is always half unmotivated and half stressed out. I wasn't always like this with a chitty attitude, I once enjoyed each day as they came. I hope to jump back on track before I get too stuck in the mud. In a nut shell, I just have to kick my own ass to get my chit together. ;p
Punchee,
There's no shame in bigger ladies because they're usually the ones with the biggest hearts. Growing up, I always figured the big gals to be lower expectations, but I realized they are far from being the troublesome plastic. Having said that ... I'm still not comfortable with them, but I'm just stupid that way.
Hehe, I have an account on the fish site. Twas a dry run for me there, my depressive nature was too vampiric for all potential lady friends methinks. Hahaha
The fast lube place hadn't called me back, so it looks like another dud. I should have done the welfare thing because $600 would have at least paid a little bit of mortgage and groceries. Damn it, I'm running the fuse real hot now and pushing it like never before. Sometimes I get these bouts of overwhelming cascades and I don't really know how much more I can handle. I really have to kick myself out everyday with a stack of resumes and get 'er done without internal whining.
I plan to live out my remaining days without a punch. I know it will be a lot worse if I walloped something with the right fist again, and I couldn't afford the downtime at all. The bends will be our downfall ... once broken, twice weak.
I haven't started making the other shop's template. I get these moods where I just block out life and float one day to the next. It's bullchit and I have to knock it off. I'm in way too much trouble as it is without prolonging a much needed action plan.
Joomla has both PHP and Java in it. I used to know the templates like the back of my hands and help out in the forum to answer other user's queries, but I can't seem to remember squat these days. I feel stupid and incapable of much, but it's just these downer cycles I get. Pizza and ice cream is good medicine for that. Haha
Good luck on your desktop apps. You have a lot going for ya, so I trust everything will go good. Myself, I'll just be happy and content with any chitty job.
PH, I am the same way about the sort of depressive dropping out, you are not alone there by a longshot.
You know that saying "If it has to be, it's up to me." I think that applies to both of us.
It just seems to be that you are that non-standard, interested in computer things type persona like I am. Not the traditional job-market material.
I was a security guard for 5 years, so I know all about work that digs a person deeper in debt while eating up 50-60 hrs a week.
I'm saying, I don't know about jobs that pay the cost of living where I live that are simply McJobs.
I'm still thinking about moving to Colorado when unemployment runs outs out, if I don't have a job here by then.
I'm just saying that if you want to get out of that rut, this was a good time to do it, although I know you are now in that situation where you have to find something.
PhoningHome,
Thanks for the response. Good luck with things. You sound like a good man with a sense of humor and some intelligence. The world needs more of that. Take small steps of improvement, one by one.
On that, for me at least, the things I least want to let "go rogue" in my life are:
* dental hygeine - the maintenance cure (flossing, etc.) is 1000x better than the emergency cures.
* general health - nutrition, sleep, and exercise ADD UP if you neglect them. Don't. And keep an eye on changes that could be health related in your body, and get it checked out.
* Debt. If you are in debt, do all you can to get out. If you are not, don't go ANYWHERE near it.
* Social Life - This is the pot calling the kettle black, but do what you can to get some friends or at least buddies in area.
Good Luck!
The saddest part is falling away from the family. I hate myself for it and I feel guilty. I suppose that's the way it is for all the people I was once close to, the rift got so big that it was too hard to cross. I don't know what the future holds, but I have to try and change things back or at least keep it the same rather than let it get worse. Depression is a nasty thing that does nothing good for anyone. I'm all alone, but I don't feel all alone ... I'm actually more than comfortable to be alone, oddly enough. I noticed that I'm very cynical and moody most of the time. Life just isn't appealing as it once was, or maybe it never was and my mind couldn't care about that. At least with my dog, I feel as I serve somewhat of a purpose, but I always feel that my dog doesn't get the proper attention being the pet of a near recluse. I'm falling apart at the seems and I don't like that.
I wish I kept pictures of my former home computer 'office'. The walls in the room practically had a layer of tar that wouldn't wash off, so had to paint the whole room top to bottom. Of course, I can't afford cigarettes and I quit. It was a typical WarCraft(?) computer room with wrappers and garbage all over the place. I moved my computer into the basement and it got out of control yet again. I spent the last two evenings tidying up with garbage and recycle bags filling up, and bagging up empty pop cans/bottles. Hell, I even cleaned off the desk top and threw out what I 'really' didn't need. With depression, it tends to make you lazy with that "I don't give a flying f" attitude deep down inside or rather a "It'll all disappear one day soon." I used to be a clean freak, not OCD dust free, but sparse and orderly. I'm going to downsize my stuff yet again, so I have less clutter around. I look around here in the basement and I sort of feel good and like I accomplished something. I'm beginning to lessen the hiding spot of those dreaded thick spiders and greasy centipedes that find their way into the basement. Haha
I looked in the job category for computer work, not much in there at all. I know some light duty mechanics as I used to turn wrenches as a past time hobby of sorts, but that was more or less for under 1990 rear wheel drive vehicles. I had a chance to do it as a trade, but I was sick of being the fetch-a-coffee guy and my friend was a real dick to work with when he had his daily hang-overs. The kicker came when I strained my back and the boss didn't give a hoot and made me do some heavy work. They were both dicks that day, so I quit.
One long job I had was hauling oil (drums) around the city and out to drilling rigs (lubricants for their machines because you can't use crude ;p). I made big money and stayed in peak shape, but the boss started abusing my good nature and shorted me on earnings. Oh, I kept in there, but the kicker was when the boss ordered pizza for one of our "free" long after hour gigs and he invites his accountant to feast. Well, I only got one piece of pizza and I was rightly pissed off.
Well, way more work stories, but the moral is that I have no experience of any worth to compete against college/university/tradesman/tech competition. You're right, I'm just a vanilla worker bee of limited worth. If it wasn't for my roommate getting me into computers a decade ago, I'd be way worse off. I'd pound rocks though, I need to earn a living and fast.
I put in about the same time into security, but I can't go back into it. I think that's what started burning me out, but it could have just been a time line coincidence. I used to be this wild party guy, but that pretty much stopped after I started babysitting wild party people while protecting clients' properties. Most security gigs don't pay enough to put your life at risk or even deal with a pipe across the teeth. Yup, most places like to make you work longer for less pay. The last cheesy outfit I was with, made me sign away my overtime so I'd only make a standard wage.
Anon... thanks again for your best wishes.
To be honest, I let all those points of importance go rouge. This sort of started almost a decade ago (except the debts), so it's quite habitual.
However, I realize even baby steps are at least going 'forward'. I went on a home cleaning binge this weekend and e-mailed my old best friend. I figure I'll give it all another shot to jump into life and try to keep my head above the water. I just hope I don't get that drowning feeling. The biggest thing is finding work before foreclosure time.
I went and bought a softer toothbrush and it seems to help reducing the blood spilling. It got to the point where I wanted to smash something because of the bleeding gums ever fricken time I brushed my teeth. It still happens, but not as much. I still can't find a decent plaque scraper, so I just chip away at the plaque with the POS scraper I have. If I can knock off a chunk here and there, it's better than it building up even more. Nothing will really help until I get my teeth professionally clean, then the gumline can hopefully grow down past the old plaque barriers. I get compliments how white my teeth are, but nobody has said how red my gums are. Haha
I really have to try to get a life because I haven't had one for about ten years, I think I'm due for one. Perhaps luck will come after I help it into my life. :)
PH - So much of what you say mirrors things I have gone through, falling away from family in terms of time spent with them, etc.
You write so well that I think you have the best written/expressed blog that I've ever read on the internet; if you put a happy ending on it, you could probably sell your story to Reader's Digest or somehere. ;-)
"Well, way more work stories, but the moral is that I have no experience of any worth to compete against college/university/tradesman/tech competition."
Many people in information technology do not have a degree, it's not strictly necessary.
The experience thing is a non-starter (even though I have to tell myself this, as well) because job-ads read like they want someone who has been working in the past few years in what they are looking for. Hey, why would those people successfully working already change jobs just because a prospective employer put out another run-of-the-mill job ad?
I have seen people who are good and have years of experience jump-ship, but you know why they did it? The ones I saw do it did it to gain experience in something new! IOW, they too did not have the experience for the job they were applying for.
Some I have known over the internet jumped ship for more money and because they were bored. One I know left web apps for desktop/scientific app written in C. This person had less experience than my book knowledge in C. I mean I think they knew less at first - result, they joked at the interview over relatively very easy questions, got the job and were making nearly 100k/yr. Not only that, but this person only has a degree in psychology! That's what we really need to get a job these days, a degree in psychology so we say the right things at an interview. ;-D I think she also probably has a nice rack (and works out at the gym, too), so that part of it is out of the question for us.
Of course, those people will say I bet "I have 5-10 years in IT, and saved/made my companies all this money, blah blah" (it's their word, anyhow, who would verify as in look at an actual financial report of what their impact was on a companies bottom-line?).
But the kicker is, they use that in lieu of experience listed on the ad many times. There is the person who has been doing that technology for 5 years already, but don't you get the idea that that person is probably either pretty sad to still be walking around groveling for another job doing the same thing, or already has a great job and doesn't want to leave? Why would a person do something for 5+ years, and then want to switch to another rinky-dink outfit doing the same thing? Perhaps they think they are so good at it that they can get their tech work done quickly and then do other things.
"You're right, I'm just a vanilla worker bee of limited worth. If it wasn't for my roommate getting me into computers a decade ago, I'd be way worse off."
I don't think you are a vanilla worker-bee of limited worth, quite the opposite. The vanilla worker bee would have still been driving an oil-truck around, letting the boss eat all his pizza, etc.
"I'd pound rocks though, I need to earn a living and fast."
I am too old to pound rocks, even though I do a lot of gardening every day (overgrown and dead plant material - even use a pick-axe and saw to get some of it out). I can be strong, but 8 hours a day of it is almost out of the question, that or I would need to lose about 40 pounds of fat and be all muscle, and be dripping with sweat. No, those jobs are best done as part-time jobs, IMHO.
I think both of us need to aim above where we are mentally aiming at, at the moment; I mean an interim job does not change that equation.
I need to get my room cleaned up today - you are on the right track about that stuff.
I'm ready to job-search again and figure out what to do with my life. I may move to Colorado, still considering that since I don't see people much here anyway. Mom can get a good deal on a house there for me, like dirt-cheap deal. Although I could stay here, and rent with a girlfriend - I don't think it makes financial sense to be here and single. Right now I rent a room and was lucky enough to not share a house with a landlord, but that was dumb-luck and this is not really a repeatable situation at all. I'd probably end up working in Denver, if I moved (and then commuting from Colorado Springs or wherever - Denver isn't cheap, is pricey).
I know what you mean about coiling the hand. I would not want to have to grab someone hard with that hand in a fight. I've dreamed of grabbing things before and could feel that pinkie knuckle twitch and release, lose the grip, in bed, in the same way that a person's feet can twitch.
I've cut my coffee back to one cup a day (plus tea). It's time for me to do something financially productive with my life. Whatever I am going to do, now is the time for it.
I'll report back on my progress to work. What about you? Still think your worth with designing or programming is all that limited after that story I told? The programmers I know, whether or not they have artistic skills, they mostly seem to wish that they had more artistic skill/talent. You seem like a great team-player, you just need to find your team, IMO. ;-)
Yeah, it's bad how I keep to myself and not desire human interaction. The worse thing is that I couldn't care less about it. Not that I was ever 'too' social to begin with (always felt like a social outcast), but I had friends that I hung out with in my free time while managing a steady girlfriend.
Why is it when a person gets older, time seems to go faster? Or maybe it's because I've lost most of my time management skills. Or maybe I do too much relaxing for my own good.
Speaking of family, there's some drama going on and that's my ticket to let things simmer down before anything. I'm not sure, but maybe mental illness runs in my family. Bah.
Haha, my tale of woe is nothing but common web poop and worthy of nothing. Thanks for the compliment though. I don't think a happy ending is coming for a long time, perhaps a couple of years or longer. I used to tell a contact in LA that '09 will be the year that things will change (no Obama pun there). However, I'm not sure how he's doing on his end, but you already know my scoop.
Hold the applause, but I did get a job. It's a low pay $13hr fast paced vehicle detailing shop. I work with four strange dudes and a slightly irritating boss...the usual type that say, "Yeah, ummmm, we'll need you to spend less time doing that because I've overbooked for today". Freaking hot in the shop and I work with dozens of toxic agents. Initially, it was extreme 'detail', but now it's lightening speed. Those two things don't mix well for me, being I'm only a week into the game and under extreme pressure. I'm so tired when I get home that I'll lay down for at least 1/2hr and then catch a flick on the web, I'm not interested nor motivated to do anything else. I can't see me lasting there, I really don't think I'm cut out for that gig, but I need the money. Though there has to be a tad better jobs for a weak $13. I think the Provincial(State) minimum wage is $8.80. Ah well, beggars can't be choosers. I don't like it there at all. I gave it a chance, but today was quite taxing and I was a walking time-bomb. Hardly anyone likes their job, but this crap job isn't the way to living the good life. Then again, I'd end up in yet another dead end job that won't hold up to get my future secured.
Haha, I thought I would trip the maximum character limit with the last...Sorry about my absenteeism, life is draining me out yet again. I guess my mind is weary. I'm not a part of the team, I'm the weakest link and it's not surprising. Well, that job is definitely for young bucks who can contort themselves into a pretzel if need be, and have loads of energy. I'm out of shape and give up far too easy due to overheating, but I've been giving this job my 'all'. I'm surprised my back hasn't gone out, but the heat is hard on all my motor functions. Of course, the right hand is of limited use due to holding small detailing brushes etc. Enough talk of that crap job. I think I get what you meant as 'useless' jobs. We need money, but we also have to play smart with the future. Still, I have to do what I can to keep these bill collectors off my back. I'm practicing for a better job. For now (like always), I'm just a vanilla worker bee. ;p
I have little inclination to do web stuff. I just can't compete with people and their $80 websites. I'm basically a template manipulator. Like I said, I'm a jack of some trades and still master of none.
I should move too, like I planned once. I thought about selling the condo, paying all my outstanding debts, and move away to some cheap little hick town where the cost of living is moderate. I'm sick of the city anyways, the traffic and just general mayhem which ensues. I'm still thinking about it, but I'd have to make sure I could net a job and a cheap home before I finalize leaving this dirty city.
I did read through all that you wrote and we're on the same page with aspirations of a better life to take us into a relatively nice retirement. Perhaps subconsciously, we're motivating each other to get buckled up, find some good paying jobs, and all those other life altering events.
If all else fails, we can be truckers. Cruising the highways and having nobody waiting up for us. Yeah, let's not. I still don't have the answer for, "What do you want to be when you grow up?". I wish I did have an answer because I can't really think of one area of expertise I have other than being a oil change / tire changer. I did 5-yrs at Wal-Mart, and then went downhill after that... not that I was going uphill before WM. I wish I knew how to do something I could sell, be my own boss. Modifying Joomla templates just doesn't pay the bills. Sheesh, I tend to realize how I lack in so many areas in life, not just in job experience.
Sorry, I must run off to a movie site to unwind. Sometimes, I can only look at things (video, articles, etc) without expending mental energy to type what takes me almost forever to formulate... though it could be that lack of time as we get older. Haha
"I did read through all that you wrote and we're on the same page with aspirations of a better life to take us into a relatively nice retirement. Perhaps subconsciously, we're motivating each other to get buckled up, find some good paying jobs, and all those other life altering events."
Right, I may have to get a McJob soon, too but I will try my best not to. I figure you probably burn out at that job or at least I would. It's not a calling. Even plumber is a calling, know what I'm sayin'?
I've worked on assembly line for 3 months, felt like a LOT longer than that. I had just enough energy to do that job and nothing else. When I volunteered for OT I got punished, written up for looking sleepy. The nerve! And I was doing my job, what else can a person ask, and they make it like working a day OT is doing them a favor at first.
After they laid off 100 people I never got called back because of that write-up. I wasn't even screwing up and doing multiple tasks, just looked slower I guess. It's thankless BS, not living. Later, I heard they cut the wages down from like $11/hr down to $8. Crazy BS. We worked to achieve an arbitrary count, build to stock mostly.
I want to get back into a programming position, definitely not want more idle/unfocused time on my resume.
I hope thing work out for you at that job as long you want it to so that you can pay your bills.
Heck, I am a level A player at chess now. Didn't take much time as I've been having constant success, could possibly give lessons if I wanted to. I'm not failing at things I set my mind to.
Sadly, the new job is indeed a steamy pile of shite. I never realized how useless is a 'vehicle detailing' job. I don't mind doing my own detailing, but not within a perfection and speed setting. I hate it. I start at 8 am and rarely get to leave before 5:30 pm, and it takes me on average about 20 mins travel time... judging by my first meager paycheck, no OT. Apparently, I should be able to 'fully' clean/detail and polish a mini-van in 90 mins or less. Yeah, no OT is very offensive to me being that I had jobs like that and it proves that subtle slavery still exists. Oh, and of course, I have to work a couple of Saturdays a month with no OT. I'm really burnt after a long day's work. And, it's not cool that my dog has to be cooped up in the basement for 10 hrs a day - poor dog, sort of a crap boring life.
I keep thinking that I require a job that is trade orientated or at least 'handy' instead of menial tasks. $13 isn't going to pay much on over $2g a month of bills. If I were to be a handyman of a trade, I could run my own business or whatnot. Bottom line, I get what you mean about a McJob. Asides from trickling money, it's a worthless endeavor that's not future orientated. You're lucky you have a programmer background being that computers are widespread.
I'm getting worried, I think I might have AAD because I can't concentrate ... I reach this point where the task seems overwhelming and I really have to fight to focus. I don't have the phobia of germs, although thinking of bed mites freaks me out. I can't help to think that I won't be successful at any new job and that doesn't do much for my confidence. Ah well, I guess it won't matter if I get fired when I tell the boss to get the hell off my back and to shove this job up his ass. The boss is a real condescending ass, the type that deserves to be decked often.
If I were to be smart, I'd prepare for a full paycheck stub and use that to refinance everything before it's really too late (I think it's too late already, but I'm just a realist). I should also sell my condo, so I can pay off the whole string of debt and start over, or maybe it's too late in life to be radical. I really wish I had a girlfriend for also the financial aspect of a dual income which is prudent.
I'm starting to feel weary under the pressure and I'm all out of motivational hoopla. My life meter is maybe at 1/4 tank, give or take. I'll try and figure out a new plan or work around the current shite to make do.
Must be nice to have patience and understanding for chess. I think there should be chess studios where people can play chess in a social setting. It's not my cup of tea, but probably interesting for a lot of folk. It's Sat morn and I still have relentless insomnia that likes to ruin my weekend, so I going to sleep while the going is good at 6 am. ;p
Must be nice to have patience and understanding for chess.
That's mostly because it's my primary hobby. I have patience with a girlfriend (or at least I can display it) and with driving. How many other things do I have patience with? Not too many things, I guess.
The ADD thing, I think that's just as much from life. I've known a few people with that and some even have good jobs with it, but they are all highly productive people. I feel like I have ADD in the sens that I always should be focusing on something more important, but don't want to. I'm laying off the coffee and hoping that helps.
My mom can buy a condo for me in Colorado Springs next week for dirt cheap and so wants me to move there ASAP. It would be easy to pay off the loan for me, like $600 a month.
I figure if I move there, Denver is my best bet for a programming job, and that is still far 1-2 hrs. drive each way. What to do? Girlfriend (we have mostly been just friends) now says she wants me to stay, if that will make me want to stay here any more.
I'd rather go to Colorado Springs, visit my mom regardless, and then look for a job in Denver, and not move if there are no bites.
It would probably be best if I simply moved, but moving, from my point-of-view, is not simple. I need to lighten the load, get rid of some more books, do not want to be carrying all of this stuff.
Every time I see someone detailing a car in Los Angeles, it is a Mexican. So you are right, it is a short-term, stop-loss type of career move. Too much physical labor at our age, getting to be.
Go for the girlfriend route, at least you will feel heard. I hardly ever talk to mine but have in 2 of the last 3 days. I met my gf on www.plentyoffish.com, so I would recommend that.
I know exactly where you are coming from. Too many choices and yet not enough of them panning out yet.
I used to have patience. I enjoyed building, customizing, and painting models. It was a hobby that I had from when I was a kid, but I just stopped all together in my latter twenties. Shortly after I got my first computer, I was into the photo manipulations and branched out into making digital art pieces (nothing great). I sort of ran out of steam these last few years. In fact, I really don't have any hobbies asides from watching films and playing video games. To be forthcoming, I have no life that I can think of. I simply exist to take care of my dog.
That's why I thought I may have ADD, but maybe it's just that I'm mentally lazy and well as physically lazy. I'm not sure, I try to bust a move at work, but I run out of steam and I constantly daydream about all sorts of things. I actually have to shake myself out of it or else I'd do the same thing in a loop, like a scratched CD. I get too much caffeine and weird chemicals from diet soda to which I'm also trying to cut down.
I don't know if you should be doing the condo thing, but maybe you have a higher threshold or not a hardcore anti-social misanthropist like myself. A move is surely a pain in the arse, but I guess it depends on how you truly feel about your mate. But yeah, you shouldn't bother to move if you won't find work there.
I'm still thinking of selling the condo and paying off the entanglement of debt. So much for equity profit, and I would have to start over with paying an extra 50g on likely a worse condo. My debt is about 30g. I think I owe 80g on my condo, so I could likely sell it for $180g and come out enough to clean my debts. However, a $13-16 hr job would be hard to pay off a brand new $230g+ mortgage. Time to start buying lottery tickets methinks or keep living on the spaghetti and sauce diet for the next 10 yrs.
The more I think about it, detailing is a real crap job. I see the young guy as a lifer there because he knocked up his girlfriend, and I see the Filipino and Afghan stuck there because that's all they know due to being there 7+ yrs. Yeah, I think I'm the oldest detailer, but even if I'm not, I sure feel like it. Maybe that's why I can't keep up, I'm at the age where I'll never be an energetic teen. I sweat like a pig when running the orbital polisher, last time I did, I thought I was going to have a stroke. ;p
Funny thing, I have a prof on the fish site. I didn't get many replies because I suppose I was too honest and real time boring on my profile, but I opted for no surprises or tooting a horn on the wrong car. I'm still in a very self-conscious time of my life, it may even be permanent. I don't know, I'd like a female friend at least, not really a bang pal, but someone to moderately hang out with to get into the groove.
I was hoping to get a full paycheck, but no dice... the boss told me not to come in on Fri, Mon, and now Tues. You'd think I'd be energetic and smart enough to use those days to deliver resumes, not yet... I've been sort of frozen with stressful depression and I find it hard to leave the condo unless I have to buy more groceries. The outside world is becoming too much to bear. Inside my condo IS my castle or at least 4 protective walls that are actually quite easy to breach. ;p
Yes, there're many choices and options... never the prime ones though, but how much time do we really have to tiptoe around? I feel like there aren't enough hours in the day, but there is... a part of me is absorbing time or rather blatantly wasting it and I stand by to let it happen, for shame.
"I'd like a female friend at least, not really a bang pal, but someone to moderately hang out with to get into the groove."
I have such a girlfriend right now, we go out once a week, it's nice.
I hear you in what you say because I am very much at the same place, simply don't own any property. I have a large room that I rent and I do yardwork whenever I want to, has been a stress-reliever at times, nice to get out of the house that way, and no one cares about what I am wearing when I do that.
Now that we no longer have that "teen energy", I think the key is probably to be more focused, but on what? That is the question.
Sorry to hear about your job, sounds like the employer is maximizing the situation from their angle.
Perhaps now is the time for you to reflect on where you want to go from here, what you want to do. Selling the condo may buy you that needed time; either that, or scare you into doing something in order that you are able to hold onto the condo longer.
I am at that crossroads in life myself, not financially broke (even though I am not collecting unemployment at the moment) so much as what to do for the next big push. People want an answer from me sooner rather than later, and I from myself. It's taken a lot of time, unexpectedly.
I've learned that a person has to think big, but also be focused, or more specifically a person has to be specific, to succeed in a certain way.
Right, I am not interested in purchasing a condo at the moment, need to find that job first, wherever and whatever.
I finally got a haircut. Technically the back was fairly long and thick whereas the front was fairly long, but thin. It's true, my hair is thinning into my temples akin to a horseshoe path. There's really no hairstyle that can hide it unless it's almost a buzz. Bah, I'm still bothered that I'm addicted to wearing a baseball cap and not sucking it up like most older fellers who can leave the past behind.
I keep having vivid dreams about having a love interest. Though the faces and situations change, the theme is mildly the same. Love is like a rainstorm. It hits hard and dissipates rather quickly. Is my life so desolate that my mind has to create fictional love stories to ward off recurring inane thoughts of loneliness? I actually logged onto POF and quickly scanned over my profile to retype it, but lost interest before I could brainstorm. I'm really subconscious about my overall appearance as my last gf had a habit to keep me dragged down by habitually highlighting every flaw of mine. I find it very overwhelming to even think about finding a 'date' or a female friend. I'd have to find a reclusive nerd of a woman to be remotely appreciative of my quirks. At the supermarket,I'm always on the prowl with my eyes, but they aren't received with much more than a quick glance if I'm lucky. No matter, I don't plan on working hard to have my life altered dramatically for the sake of seemingly friendly companionship. Hahaa
"Energy", that's it in a nut shell. I frankly don't have any. I was thinking about this on Sat when I was at work. I took about three hours to wash/clean/polish a well-kept Toyota Solara(sp?) convertible coupe. I knew I was taking longer than need be, but it just made it worse and the anxiety had actually slowed me down by depleting my energy. I'm sure I'm known as "slow ass" at work. The 22-yr-old slacker even runs circles around me. I don't think I had a job that made me feel so useless before, or at least I can't recall those past jobs of which I'm sure there were some. I'm at the dead end. A 40-something with mild education and minimal expertise, 30g in credit debt along with an 80g mortgage, trying to make ends meet with $13 an hr. Hmmmm, something is definitely wrong with that picture. I was always behind the times... perhaps mentally backwards than most people my age, or maybe I simply never cared/wanted to grow up. Now, my body can't outlast my mind and I lost the once semi-stable equilibrium. If I sold my condo, I'd be out of debt, but I'd be sort of screwed out of a private lifestyle unless I could rent a cheap condo. Money matters are first, then I really have to think about getting somewhat of a career that will get me to retirement years. I think my life is a cesspool and it has lost its appeal. I have little reason to think otherwise.
My current expenses come out to over $2200 a month. My monthly pay (2 paychecks) don't even cover that. Yes, my mistakes have cost me a small fortune. This isn't the first time my life revolved around the computer, this just happens to be a far worse repetition. At least I was far more social last time and tried to kindle some romances. Oh, mind you, there were problems with medicine of the alcohol variety. I'd like to believe I'm coming out ahead, but obviously I'm not. I pretty much succeeded in cutting off all ties with friends and family. Strangely, I'm only a wee bit remorseful and very comfortable with myself. I knew there's something wrong with me, but I'm presuming it might be a combo deal of mental issues, and perhaps fixable by industrial strength pharma-meds. So much for personal and financial freedom. I've pretty much hung myself and continue to restrain myself from a decent life.
Other people take holidays or actually 'go out' while I focus on filling up my free time with the Internet. I'm habitually searching the buy and sell sites for a freaking vacuum along with the ultimate deal on a different car I can't afford. I've been probing for a couple of weeks, and still never got down to the nitty gritty of acquiring one. Why? Oh, well, I'd actually have to make a plan for after work and follow up on it. So much for my free time on the computer looking for a cheap vacuum. So many odd tales to tell. LMAO!!!
One way to solve part of my financial tussle is to get an equity loan to piggyback onto my mortgage, then pay off my card debts in that respect ... do so will knock off $500-600 a month, then I might be able to live off of $13/hr depending upon how much that loan will require paying per month. Something tells me that a 30g+ equity loan will require a few hundred payment per month. Ah well, shaving off $300 a month is still a good thing. Too bad I never realized banks and condo living were evil before I got into this whole mess. Then again, crap just happens without planning for it.
Maybe it's best if I go in for a physical and even a mental assessment. I just can't believe my life is this mundane in reality. I have a lack of energy at work and at home. I wonder what I need to motivate me, Tony Robbins or a slender godess of temporary love? Hahaa.
I'm still pondering about getting the hell out of Dodge, but the recession and small towns really don't do much good for employment. I really wish I had some expertise that I could make a business out of, like renovations or whatnot.
That's is the question. To do what or to do what. The answer is nary simple when up against so much that life throws your way. If it was cut and dry, things would be more simple. Back in the old days, farmers had to literally break their backs and the backs of steads to sell crops in order to support a small family. Holidays or days off were almost unheard of. Capitalism and the quality of life has slightly evolved since then, although we have to pay for the so-called luxury of living.
A few months ago, I was ready to throw in the towel and lose everything, but I'm sort of fighting to keep it and get used to waking up at dawn everyday and expending 8+ hrs at work. Nothing is truly free and we have to work to live as there's no other way. I hate life being a 'job', but I might as well ride it out for hopefully bigger and better things to perhaps come my way (yeah, right). ;p
"I'd have to find a reclusive nerd of a woman to be remotely appreciative of my quirks."
There are quite a few of those on internet dating sites because one has to be nerdy almost just to have an internet profile. I blog chess and talked to players at the club and, on average, they just about took that as some kind of novel concept. Whereas some Masters were blogging since before the term and blog sites existed.
I've done the job, like security, where I felt like I was "hiding behind a job" for many years; those are like lost years if I hadn't been taking some college classes, but even those didn't help much on the whole.
I didn't say that the city was bad for jobs necessarily (not saying good either), I'm just saying I've been considering how cheap it would be to live more rural and have a nice place, less traffic and such.
I am saying "What if?" 'What if' we got our lives together and said 'forget all' to our problems? Just throw away these problems just like I am going to go back to cleaning up my room today, and even getting rid of some more stuff, making more room, and organizing what is left.
I hadn't posted for a long while because I've been sitting on the fence about some things, but I am realizing that I need to take charge. It's not going to please everyone else what I decide, but at least I will have decided what I am going to do and do it. It's nice to get well-intentioned advice from others, but sometimes it's 'overload'.
I don't think a person can live their life in 'overload' mode. People who get things done are in the here and now today, they aren't worried about if they are going to be able to eat lunch, they are busy, know what I mean. And here's us getting more 'advice' and so the decisions drag on for that much longer.
I'm not sure if being social over the Internet is nerdy these days with endless social networking sites and the like. The way I see 'nerdy' now is almost synonymous to being a computer junkie asides from, in my case, unconsciously avoiding virtual chit chat. I wonder if I'm even 'nerdy' when using my computer mostly to view films. All I know is that I'm quite the mess and I don't even know what to peg myself as.
As much as I desire to be alone, there's a softy within the hard shell that also desires love. My dreams leave me empty and lonely come morning time. Even if I don't recall a dream, I'll have a flashback of some 'scene' and I find myself morose thereafter, thinking of when I'll be able to shout out something like, "She is the world to me [or insert random love statement]". Alas, the wishy-washy relationship department won't be visited anytime soon.
As I've said, I'm almost done with city life. Nothing is of interest here nor does anyone tie me down. I had planned to move to a hick town a couple of years ago, but I waited too long to sell my place when I could have got close to 300k. The fact remains, life costs $$$ and unless one is into the illegal kind of occupation, the ol' 9-5 crapola job is unavoidable (except for the kind that pay $20/hr+). I, too, have pondered my waywardness and realized that I 'must' get on track ASAP. I'm going to get an appointment at the bank and refinance my condo to consolidate my debt. I've realized I can't pay $2200 a month on monthly take-home pay of #1600 and even begin to pay off 'any' debt asides from the mortgage. I went off the rails for too long, and nobody is going to put me back on track except for 'me'. We all must do things on our own and, of course, take the initiative, or we're doomed for repeat failures.
You're right - in a nut shell, talk is cheap - affirmative action is how the achievers move up the life ladder. I know I have to motivate myself to get things done because that's just the way it is and the way it has to be.
I know myself, I tend to talk a lot of crap (blow smoke) and not walk the walk because I avoid confrontation - far too meek and pitiful. I have to realize how much time I blew from when I first was able to grow hair on my chest til now, how far did I go in life? Well, we won't go there - it's a personal ordeal. I pussyfooted through life and I put myself where I am right this second. Am I a loser? Well, that's negotiable. Am I a screw up? Yes indeed. The question remains if I am able to stand up and take those apples like an adult. I could keep sulking away and let bills pile up until I have to declare bankruptcy, but I can't let that happen. I'll refinance and if that goes sour, then I'll sell and figure out where I'll go from there. I can't let this two-bit detailing job be my life. I don't want to eat oatmeal for lunch everyday while nickel and diming every step of the way. I blew $100 at Wal-Mart the other day, although that got me 2 pairs of jeans, 4 t-shirts, a dozen cans of fruit juice, 2 cans of furniture polish, vacuum bags, a dozen vitamin water, oatmeal, and a dozen meat patties. I'm used to being frugal though, but with having the green light option to throw down some thick steaks onto the fry pan. Thank goodness I quit smoking because a pack a day would be financial suicide. Funny - how food replaces the void and it's far more expensive in a certain POV. Hahaa
I'll be perfectly frank, I care little about the here and now. Oh, I'll certainly give it another go, but I'm afraid I won't be overly excited. All life boils down to me, is that I have to bust my hump to live - so be it though, nothing comes for free - but I'm just not finding much for other purposes asides from being a worker bee for the government hive. Life is of little substance these days, although I have to cherish current days before my body continues down the cycle to even more deterioration.
The thing is that I don't understand myself. I 'want' to be happy, but I find myself always pissed off, or simply burnt out. I have little control over my emotions and can't make myself be happy. I don't know my place in life nor do I know much, but I do know that I want to grow up and fix things before it's too late - so to have some kind of a peaceful, enriched life. Perhaps it's all a pipe dream, but even a slice of the cake would be nice.
I've been 'overloaded' for about a decade now, and I'm ready to pop ... I've damaged my hand last time I snapped, so it's time to actually try and dig myself out. There's something wrong. The odd day, I'll spontaneously feel like shedding a tear like a scared child. I think it's from holding everything in and letting it all trample me over. There's a monkey on my back and the crazy thing is trying to rip out my spinal column.
Everyday, it's a struggle to get out of bed because life seems very grand within the dreamscape. Truth be told, I should be going to bed earlier, but I'm wrought with stress and find myself wishing to zonk out in a flash. Stress is a sleep killer without a doubt. I can only hope this stress can be dulled because it's driving me mad.
also, you may want to talk to a specialist about rebreaking your hand and screwing in a afterward. i have broken my 5th meta twice now. first time about 3 months ago, i punched a van window because the driver almost nailed me as he pulled out of a alley (the window won). rebroke it 8 days ago as i mentioned but the damn thing has already fused again! your 1st experience sounds more severe than mine, and rebreak is a crude procedure, but hell youre in canada, its all free right?
like this
http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.nsxfiles.com/images8/sm_xray.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.nsxfiles.com/pkc_willow_night.htm&usg=__USeYeouyy1mPEss_fNByffIBQ5Y=&h=626&w=750&sz=45&hl=en&start=16&um=1&tbnid=zmtcof5eTaUgMM:&tbnh=118&tbnw=141&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dboxers%2Bbreak%2Bxray%26gbv%3D2%26hl%3Den%26client%3Dfirefox-a%26rls%3Dorg.mozilla:en-US:official%26sa%3DN%26um%3D1
@a, yeah, I'm not exactly sure if a re-break is free. I suppose if I broke it again, then it would get fixed for free. I can't afford the time off and I think I'll just have to put up with the stupid inwardly rotated pinkie. There's been a couple of times where I likely would have broke my metacarpal again, but I swallow lots of pride. I'm not a naturally aggressive person, this has only started progressing for a few years ago. I'm a depressive and antisocialite, so the big city sometimes aggravates me with all it's BS simpleton rednecks that I meet out on the roadways. I still say the medical facilities here suck ass and the work is way under par. A broken finger bone can't be rocket science to get the rotation right, but I'm no doc for shame.
I expressed my aggressive side when I punched the wall really, really hard. I mean I used to punch walls before but they never did anything to my hand. But this time, I had punched the wall so hard, it left my knuckle imprints digged inside the wall! No kidding. But within hours, my hand swelled up and I found I had a boxer's fracture. The doctor advised me to go for surgery to insert those K-wires inside my hand. But I didn't want anything going inside my hand. I had a cast done letting it heal for 6 weeks before I got into action again. There was a bump above the pinkie knuckle and it still looks like my pinkie knuckle got pushed back half an inch. When I clench my fist, it stands out on the hand but not significantly. I'm still trying to push it back into its place. Soaking my hand in hot water with salt which tenderizes the bones and then grabbing a towel to make a grip was all I used to do to get my strength back. It was a frustrating and traumatic period of time for me as I am an athlete. Some natural remedies I tried are tying a quarter coin on top of the 'bump' so that it would be suppressed or get back to shape. But I'm still struggling. Strength wise I am still strong with slight discomfort in making a fist.Wonder if it will take its own sweet time to get back? What would you say?
Sorry to hear you joined the bad punch club, but welcome nonetheless.
Same here, as a former drinker and somewhat of a closet hothead, I'd hit the stress boiling point and usually reach out to punch something instead of taking a deep breath or just letting the anger subside. I have more than a few scars on my hands for a reminder, asides from this latest kerfuffle. Now, I'm so paranoid of breaking my hand again, I really have to 'think' now before I strike and that usually drains most of the anger.
With my incident, my hand swelled up immediately. Just with the swelling, I knew something bad had happened never mind the frozen digits. I'm somewhat doubtful the bone fusing lump will reside too, too much. It's been over a year and a half since my break and the lump is still apparent while my knuckle isn't ... still looks like my knuckle has been pushed upward. Being that bone isn't as pliable as skin, a fuse from a bone break tends to be more messy/rigid than a scar. I know, uggghhh, I really didn't want anymore aesthetic anomalies as my body is ridden with more than enough. I was bothered by the lump as I felt the hands were as publicly seen as the face. But, ah well, my temples have been thinning out and I've given up worrying about these kinds of things to an overwhelming degree. Back on topic, yes, it took a long time before I could even forge my hand into a fist or even get the pinkie to respond to more than a quarter way. The only gripes I have now are that the knuckle 'crunches' (the joint crackles like my worn out soccer knees) when flexed and the pinkie tip kind of drives itself into the neighboring finger ... this is most predominant when gripping a steering wheel in the proper fashion (irritating side-effect of malrotation).
I don't really know if trying to level out the fusing area is a good or bad thing. In theory, if not done in a vise-like method to impede the healing process, perhaps the soft bone repair will indeed flatten to a degree. Hard to say.
Best wishes with your hand rehab and maybe try clenching with gel balls and other things asides from those hand spring doodads. =)
@KD, did you just recently break it? if this is your first time breaking, i would recommend keep doing what youre doing. forego the surgery. i had it to fix my 4th and 5th in early february, (a "super" boxers break) and now my 4th is better but the pinky is less functional than it was after i broke it the first time last fall and did nothing about it. so yea if my experience is any indication the surgery is far from perfect. all they do is wedge a couple coat-hanger sized wires into the webbing of your hand around the broken finger, about 2 inches in making a criss cross over the break in order to keep downwawrd pressure on the knuckle side so the bone heals in alignment. @/ sounds like your break actually pushed the knuckle side below the break, whereas for me and KD the knuckle side pushed over the length of the metacarpal. so i cant say for sure what procedure the orthopaedics would do for that. anyway, since there's less flesh to leverage the wedge over the pinky side of your hand (as compared to the ring finger) the wedge is not as effective there. again, in my experience.
KD, give your hand a good 12 weeks and you'll be back to good working shape. and if you have to punch something/someone again, rotate your hand so that your fist is vertical not horizontal. punch straight, and not in a rounding hook.
@phoning home, and anyone else struggling with being an anti social and depressed, i would encourage you to make an appointment with a psychiatrist and get yourself a prescription and some therapy if youre up for it. the chemicals in your brain undermine your own free will if they are out of whack. if theres a history of mental illness in your family that should be all the more reason to get medicated. im on 40 mg's of citalopram daily. its not perfect, but it helps. at least i havent punched anyone since i got on it.
I myself had a rage induced incident involving a wooden fence and a couple of hooks with my fists, which resulted in me fracturing my fifth metacarpal and sending my pinky knuckle back an inch from its original posistion. 7 weeks on, the stress is really getting to me, I'm not the angry type I just came out of a bad relationship and certain circumstances made me lead up to doing that stupid regretful act.
My pinky finger seems to be fine, which is good, The only real issue to me is the bump and 'sunken knuckle' which really gets to me, guess thats life, can't always get your way.
I read through your guys chats, and would just like to say I hope all is going well for you.
Best of luck with you stuffs. : ]
I broke my 5th metacarpal almost 20 years ago. I didn't have it reset, I lived with the sunken knuckle. Everything was relatively fine though except for punching(karma). But now I'm beginning to experience problems like carpal tunnel and funny bone ache.
Moral of the story: get it fixed.. eventually you'll wish you had.. I may have to rebreak it so I can play Nintendo into my old age :)
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